Building blocks
It is often found that either one of the couple is dominated in the relationship or all the decisions are mainly taken from one side only. This often leads to a state of dependency of one of the couple on the other. It is usually the wife who is more dependent on her husband before taking any critical decision about the family. Age and gender play a great role here. It is often found that an individual who is mentally and emotionally weak develops this trait of dependency. In this case, the wife may always wait for her husband’s approval and thus in the face of important decision-making becomes confused. Several factors may be responsible for this. Ultimate the effect is on the communication, which in turn affects the family’s interest. Both the members of the couple need to generate a certain degree of self-confidence and strength of character in order to deal with the problems of daily life especially when it comes to make decisions about the child. The immediate effect is on communication between the husband and the wife, which automatically gets hampered. In such cases the wife is constantly nagging at the husband to participate in every small matter and hence complains when the husband does not have adequate time to provide to the family and especially to the wife. Constant dependency might result in irritation on the husband’s behalf, which will tend to further deteriorate the relation. Let us study the fundamental reasons and analysis of such a situation.
Families and social communities largely affect people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions, but individuals vary in their vulnerability to fall into a group think while groups vary in the amount of pressure they exert for conformity. These differences between individuals and groups manifest differences in individuals’ levels of differentiation of self. The less developed a person is by himself the more impact others have on his actions and choices. Also, more he tries to control (actively or passively), the functions of others. This is a common observation in case of a marriage or a conjugal life. This may result in two outcomes. Either the wife becomes more and more dependent on the husband and thus tend to lose her own individuality as described before or the wife (if the husband is dominating) may becomes so disgusted and annoyed with the undue domination that frustration may result, grudges might pent up and lead to occasional outbursts, thus hampering the peace within the house.
According to Bowen, the basic building blocks of an individual are by origin or birth, but an individuals family relationships during childhood and youth mainly decides how much he develops. Once the level of “self” is established, it hardly changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to modify it. An individual with the right kind of environment during childhood, that is one with a more independent set up is less likely to be dominated by the spouse. In a conjugal setting where the two individuals come from different family setups, non-uniformity is bound to develop between them during communication and it often leads to a single voice conversation (we are often acquainted with this kind of communication in a business setting where the leader addresses the team with the team members as listeners and the leader as the decision maker and instructor) where only one person’s decisions hold and the other is just allowed to have the knowledge of the decision or the new change with respect to the conjugal and family life.
When a person has a poorly differentiated “self” or a weak “self”, he depends intensely on the acceptance and approval of others who either adjusts easily to what others think, say or do or they declare what others should be and hence pressurize them to follow. Bullies are the ones who dominate other to conform but they do not follow or accept whatever others say without questioning or analyzing. They also depend on approval and chameleons. An extreme rebel is a person who is poorly differentiated and pretends to be “Self” by opposing others’ positions by default. The presence of such an individual as one member of the couple might result in an automatic unhealthy development within the family. If one person is forced to follow a given set of directions irrespective of his or her personal opinion, the situation is bound to affect the conjugal life and frustration and disgust might even lead to a separation. In such a case sometimes a discipline of dialogue is followed to deal with such situations. Such a method is generally followed during business meetings and if such controlled communication needs to be incorporated in interpersonal communication between husband and wife, it is definitely not the sign of a healthy relationship and often has a negative influence on family system. A child would be observing the diplomatic set up and this would in some way ort he other affect the vulnerable mind of the child. However, the bullying nature can be best tackled this way and occasional outbursts resulting from over dominion on behalf of one of the partners result in further unhealthy set up for the child’s growth and the other members associated with the couple.
Every society has its well differentiated group of people, poorly dfferentiated group and several levels and grades between these extreme stages. As a result families and groups that make up a society vary in their intensity of emotional dependencies. The more the level of dependence the lesser is the groups’ ability to cope with the stressful events that comes their way without causing a high degree of anxiety. The same is true in case of an indivudal as well. When a person is more dependent on the opinion of others and has grown up judging himself or herself based on others’ appreciation or depreciation, he or she is more likely to develop a dependent nature where a lack of appreciation results in low self esteem and frustration. This aspect is often guided by gender and it is often the wife who is led that way. Thus communication tends not to be genuine between the husband and the wife if the husband realises the wife’s way of thinking. The husband will exercise caution and hence would not be able to express what is true. Again, this depends on the priority judgment of the husband.
Differentiation of self is the degree to which a person is capable of independence and close connections with others. There is often the need of school counseling where parents and children are both advised to attend. Individuals define themselves not in isolation but in the context of important relationships with family friends and dear ones. Success at schools is defined as general cognitive ability, perceptions of the concepts and material taught in school, and school-specific self-confidence. According to family systems theory of both Bowen and Minuchin the functioning of parents and their children is interrelated and interdependent. Here the child is much less matured that the parents and hence in a far less privileged state to control the environment and the social orientation on his own. Therefore parents need to play a great role. One may ask, what is the role of husband wife communication in this respect. Well, the communication between the husband and wife decides the ultimate peace in the household and this is what the child learns from and develops his own concepts about a family. The lessons start right from birth even when the child has not learnt to speak clearly. The household environment is maintained through proper communication and effective coordination between the couples. It is not necessary that the two people will agree on everything about their child or the family decisions. It is therefore important to strike a balance between the differences and finally reach a suitable and peaceful decision that will ensure overall development of the family systems.
One process is that the prediction of resiliency in children can be based upon the level of differentiation of self in the family (Minuchin, Bower). Parents who are cooperative, both supportive and strict, and who facilitate porous and approachable boundaries with their children, permitting contact yet protecting the integrity of that relationship, are supposed to form resilient families. Children under such parenting are thought to be more positive in relationships, have better scope of success in school, and have higher self-confidence and self-esteem. They also tend to be more dutiful and resilient of stressful instances. The effective guidance from the parents’ side cannot come up without an effective coordination between them and a healthy communication about the matters concerning the child. A realization needs to be present from both sides and initiatives should be demonstrated from the husband as well as the wife. It should not be resented when one person is busy and the other has to single handedly take care of the child for a particular occasion. However this cannot become a continuous event else the communication and the bond would suffer due to resentment and frustration from one side.

A hypothetical case study:
People concerned: married couple, Martha and Michael and their single child Amy.
Status: Before the child was born the couple had a happy married life during the initial two years of their marriage
Problems during pregnancy: Martha who was always emotionally dependent on Michael now became more nagging about her worries and when Michael returned from office she would share her anxieties about being a mother. Michael was polite and assuring but resented the fact that she could not handle this herself and thought she was not acting mature.
After the child was born: Martha gradually tried to overcome her own problems and finally became a mother to a daughter whom they named Amy. As Amy grew up Martha was increasingly worried about her problems and small issues. She was concentrating on the fact that the complicacies and dependencies present in her should not be there in Amy. This over attentiveness on Amy made her more dependent on Martha as she began demanding more and more time out of her. Michael became critical about Martha’s guidance and Amy’s immature demands. Martha however resented this criticism of her daughter from her husband. She supported her in case of conflicts and thus Michael became an outsider to the triangle. However at times when Michael did agree with Martha about Amy’s awkward behavior, then Amy felt left out and over-sensitive. She became the outsider now. This shifting of tensions began to get reflected in Amy’s performance outside. Her emotional vulnerability became so severe that she began to get inclined and attached to her friends and got influenced by them during her vulnerable times. Belonging to a multicultural society in school the influence was not healthy and created abruptness and indecisiveness in behavior.

Analysis:
The root of the problem lies in the relationship shared between Martha and Michael. Martha’s nagging nature was mainly responsible in this case. She should have behave in amore mature manner and instead of showering her husband with the anxieties on his return from office, should have chosen a more relaxing time and a much more soothing way of expression. In order to make this happen, however, the emotional vulnerability of Martha had to be controlled and this problem could be solved only through some self-analysis and judgment. On the other hand, hr husband should be aware of Martha’s vulnerable state and take time out to talk to her and guide her in this matter such that she may be able to handle certain things independently. Being a friend first is therefore a must for a healthy conjugal life. Along with a healthy physical intimacy the couple needs to share a friendship, and might help one another in times of distress, the husband and wife, needs to be the life long mate to each other. For a healthy family set up, a congenial interaction and open communication is very important. It is also necessary for the child to realize the bond shared by her parents. This would enable her to walk on the path of moral righteousness because she knows that approval of both the parents would be required and if one of them is taken into confidence the other will definitely come to know. In cases where the child is close to one of the partners, it is often found that the relation is marked with disturbance and undulations. These need to be evened out and hence a child would be gifted with an ideal environment.

Signs and gestures
After a long term of familiarity it is often found that a couple interact with the help of sign language among themselves. This involves some facial or bodily gestures with which each of the two is familiar with and reacts accordingly. Again if the husband needs to ask his wife to switch on the television set for him after returning from work, he needs to make just a gesture towards the television set with his hand. This is his regular habit and his wife is aware of it. Hence he need not waste an entire phrase or sentence to make the request. The frequent use of sign language is a good sign because this in turn indicates the familiarity and the closeness of bond shared between them. Again when everything can be communicated through gestures and signs, at least one member of the couple becomes too lazy to use words and the relationship might lose its vigor in the course of becoming a taken for granted kind. Hence some form of words is always helpful to the health of the conjugal life.

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